An old year passes, the days fly by
Those new resolutions reach sky high
Old memories are caught in photos so clear
New friends bring hope with shining, bright cheer
Our paths keep winding, their roads of success
Our days keep records of whispers to confess
We make our goals for this bright New Year
To hold and bind these dreams from our fear
Technology booms, handwritten divides
Computer screens loom, and people collide
Through each day new, we question our fate
With each hour gone, don’t sit and just wait
Take this New Year to heart my dear friend
Take this New Year and run with amend
Turn a new page & leave written the past
Life is only present, and it goes far too fast.
Cheers to the New Year
Laura A. Allen
Thursday, May 1, 2008
The green goblin...and it's evil counterparts
I fucking hate money. If there's one thing in this world that I can say I "HATE", because...yes...I know this is a powerful word...I would say it's money. I'm always contemplating what I could change with more of it, instead of living life the way I want without it. Nothing is ever substantial enough...not a career, successful relationships, owning a home. There's always the gleam of something new just across the way...places to travel to, people to visit, clothes to wear, jewelry to flash, hair to dye, nails to paint, gyms to workout in...everything is so transparent. Pressure is the leading entity pushing money into our veins like a heroine addict with a filthy needle. Pressure to spend the $$$ to dress a certain way, impress a certain way, look, walk & talk the part. It's all about who you know right? It's all about politics. Why is just...being...is never enough? Why is it, "what's good on paper"? Why is it that all we can talk about are our "somedays" ..."somedays"... the bigger and better material bullshit we all believe we need. I miss simplicity. I miss when all I cared about was playing by the Blackfoot river with my brother...and seeing my best friends everyday with no expectations to be anything other than my crazy self. Why is it so easy to get caught up in the pressure race? High School taught me to be the athlete, be the student, be the friend...hell...be the all around, make the grade, be "that" girl...well, high school & the pressure I felt from my family. When I did...there were still the people who hated me, even when anything I was doing wasn't directly affecting their worlds or causing them pain. Maybe it was because I gave into the pressure. Maybe it was because I gave two shits what they thought. So why is it I still give a shit? Why is it I didn't learn my lesson from the first go-around? I know I am my own driving force creating the pressure, which I'm sure so many of us do. I know I am also my own worst judge...so if I know these things, why is it I still feel this pressure creeping through my veins??? I fear we are living in a society addicted to pressure...addicted to the drive of labels, looking the part, & acting the part. Are we all pressure addicted junkies searching for the commercialized, "$omeday$$$"...that many of us...may never find?
How important is this career?
Career- 1a: speed in a course 1b: COURSE, PASSAGE 2: ENCOUNTER, charge 3: a field for or pursuit of consecutive progressive achievement esp. in public, professional, or business life.
So there lies the definition...now if only I could figure out what I want to make of it. Is this referring to living your life by a series of passages & encounters...a.k.a...memories? Or is it referring to the assumed "JOB" driven pathway in which our young, generation of women (and men) are pushed to succeed at making our fortunes? How important is a career, and why are we all programmed to believe it is an absolute? Why shouldn't I move to Denver in a blink of an eye to be with Brandon? Why shouldn't I drop it all when I know I am going to spend the rest of my life with him? And yet, why should I make such a rash decision WHEN I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him? Why shouldn't I let myself flourish and find a means of support that will only add to the comfort of our lives together? Why should I be so ready to leap into a pool that is completely still and calm...? Why would I want to physically force the ripples???
The distance has become non-existent. Our trust seems unbreakable...at this point in our lives. And yet, there's the urgent feeling inside me to move on whether my gut agrees or not. To keep climbing that "career" ladder. Am I supposed to take the risk of jumping into a pond that may be too deep...take the risk of failing? Or do I keep on the beaten path with a steady hand, steady paycheck, newly paid for home, & familiarity...waiting, which is my pet peeve above all else. The horror of all horrors...WAITING. Not for my life's future, because I've already envisioned that & have found someone with the same vision...but for my "career's" future. I've clueless-ly wandered into an environment that is completely foreign to me...lack of pride for it's position, lack of respect in its division, full of petty snobs who believe their opinion matters, and sexist beasts who believe we are living in the 1950s? This is the career I've walked in to...this is the encounter, the course, the progression & it would take me 15 years to come anywhere near making any obvious head-way. So where to now...down this road of familiarity...or back to the books to find my new encounter, my new passage, my new course of life? Why do we do anything in this world...if only to make ourselves comfortable, successful & complete?
So there lies the definition...now if only I could figure out what I want to make of it. Is this referring to living your life by a series of passages & encounters...a.k.a...memories? Or is it referring to the assumed "JOB" driven pathway in which our young, generation of women (and men) are pushed to succeed at making our fortunes? How important is a career, and why are we all programmed to believe it is an absolute? Why shouldn't I move to Denver in a blink of an eye to be with Brandon? Why shouldn't I drop it all when I know I am going to spend the rest of my life with him? And yet, why should I make such a rash decision WHEN I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him? Why shouldn't I let myself flourish and find a means of support that will only add to the comfort of our lives together? Why should I be so ready to leap into a pool that is completely still and calm...? Why would I want to physically force the ripples???
The distance has become non-existent. Our trust seems unbreakable...at this point in our lives. And yet, there's the urgent feeling inside me to move on whether my gut agrees or not. To keep climbing that "career" ladder. Am I supposed to take the risk of jumping into a pond that may be too deep...take the risk of failing? Or do I keep on the beaten path with a steady hand, steady paycheck, newly paid for home, & familiarity...waiting, which is my pet peeve above all else. The horror of all horrors...WAITING. Not for my life's future, because I've already envisioned that & have found someone with the same vision...but for my "career's" future. I've clueless-ly wandered into an environment that is completely foreign to me...lack of pride for it's position, lack of respect in its division, full of petty snobs who believe their opinion matters, and sexist beasts who believe we are living in the 1950s? This is the career I've walked in to...this is the encounter, the course, the progression & it would take me 15 years to come anywhere near making any obvious head-way. So where to now...down this road of familiarity...or back to the books to find my new encounter, my new passage, my new course of life? Why do we do anything in this world...if only to make ourselves comfortable, successful & complete?
An exponential series of steps...
Life paths are tricky, sometimes deliciously evil sorts and other times unabashedly honest quips. These paths curl themselves through, around, above and beyond family, drama, drinking, fighting, loving, careers, money & anything else we are all so fortunate to endure.
Life paths are responsible for intertwining this all-too-small-world's cultural diversity, acceptance & understanding as well as the abuse, hatred, confusion & chaos. These paths leave us breathless with anticipation, needed or not in an unequivocal sense, stressed from the multitude of choices, even more stressed from the lack of urgency, and eager...perhaps over-eager to run around the next bend. Because that is what this life is...isn't it? A series of choices. A series of weaving paths that lead you through the labyrinth of culture.
And when we finally glimpse that light at the end of the labyrinth, a decision is made to take a different path and discover what trial, mistake, dramatic episode, life altering moment and new discovery we can manage to cook up before we step off the edge of our destined path into oblivion.
Simplicity is realizing that in reality, we all, every age group, are complex ...yes... but unseasoned, immature, inexperienced creatures learning "newness" every day of our lives. Brilliance comes from never forgetting this...never forgetting how much more there is to learn: searching out cures for the world, dreaming up designs for the future, re-building our environment, raising families, supporting loved ones, lending a helping hand, swallowing pride to accept a lending hand and showing appreciation. Appreciation above all, for man kind, diversity, awareness, understanding, achieving, acceptance and giving.
What these paths mean in essence, is not determined by what they will bring us, but by the attitude we bring in traveling them and not so much by what happens to us, as by the reaction we have to what happens.
Life paths are responsible for intertwining this all-too-small-world's cultural diversity, acceptance & understanding as well as the abuse, hatred, confusion & chaos. These paths leave us breathless with anticipation, needed or not in an unequivocal sense, stressed from the multitude of choices, even more stressed from the lack of urgency, and eager...perhaps over-eager to run around the next bend. Because that is what this life is...isn't it? A series of choices. A series of weaving paths that lead you through the labyrinth of culture.
And when we finally glimpse that light at the end of the labyrinth, a decision is made to take a different path and discover what trial, mistake, dramatic episode, life altering moment and new discovery we can manage to cook up before we step off the edge of our destined path into oblivion.
Simplicity is realizing that in reality, we all, every age group, are complex ...yes... but unseasoned, immature, inexperienced creatures learning "newness" every day of our lives. Brilliance comes from never forgetting this...never forgetting how much more there is to learn: searching out cures for the world, dreaming up designs for the future, re-building our environment, raising families, supporting loved ones, lending a helping hand, swallowing pride to accept a lending hand and showing appreciation. Appreciation above all, for man kind, diversity, awareness, understanding, achieving, acceptance and giving.
What these paths mean in essence, is not determined by what they will bring us, but by the attitude we bring in traveling them and not so much by what happens to us, as by the reaction we have to what happens.
An All Around Healthy Choice
It blows my mind every day I drive by the fast food chains and see the line of cars that decorate the drive-thru. The so-called ease and convenience of partially hydrogenated oils & MSG handed to people in a compact little box/bag, slowly devastates the health of our society. I realize that a large portion of these lines consist of the career driven souls who feel they do not have enough time in their day, and this is just one more way to efficiently execute another decision. What is the rush for? Why are we in such a hurry that we can not take the time to go home or to a local deli and make a healthy lifestyle choice? I can not assume that it is because the greasy, pre-warmed, manufactured remnants referred to as fast food tastes better? And I pray that we are not all so lazy that we can not take 5 extra minutes to prepare a home-made lunch in the morning, or night before, if we feel we don’t have time to actually go home for lunch.
It’s a proven statistic that energy levels drastically increase when we fill our bodies with the proper nutrients they deserve. Wouldn’t everyone prefer to live an active lifestyle filled with discovery, challenge, and satisfaction that can only be felt by going out and “doing”? Why has the almighty dollar taxed so many into believing the only truth is to worker harder, not smarter? Isn’t it obvious when a 40 year-old drops dead from a heart attack in the office or at home after a fourteen hour day, that something isn’t right? It is NOT selfish to sit at work and think to yourself, “I’m going to make an active decision to work as minimal amount of time as I can, as efficiently as I can, so that I may spend the rest of my time living.” And if you feel you have no one else to live for, isn’t living for yourself enough? Isn’t keeping yourself healthy, happy, and active a particularly clever choice?
To top all of this off, and be brutally honest, an hour out of every day is NOT a huge burden. Simply walking for an hour each day dramatically influences a person’s frame of mind positively, as well as the body. If ANYONE chooses to use the excuse, “I can’t go for a walk, I have too much at home or work to do,” kick them in the shin immediately. At least then, those people will have a reason to sit their ass behind their desk or on that couch, watching television, feeling bad for themselves. Yes, there are circumstances that leave some of the population in a more difficult situation than others, for example single moms and dads. However, as an aunt, I have discovered simply playing with those little hairballs of crazy energy is a fantastic workout. Use your body and your mind to its full extent. They are both magnificent tools that will astound you every day, guaranteed, if you choose to challenge them.
It’s a proven statistic that energy levels drastically increase when we fill our bodies with the proper nutrients they deserve. Wouldn’t everyone prefer to live an active lifestyle filled with discovery, challenge, and satisfaction that can only be felt by going out and “doing”? Why has the almighty dollar taxed so many into believing the only truth is to worker harder, not smarter? Isn’t it obvious when a 40 year-old drops dead from a heart attack in the office or at home after a fourteen hour day, that something isn’t right? It is NOT selfish to sit at work and think to yourself, “I’m going to make an active decision to work as minimal amount of time as I can, as efficiently as I can, so that I may spend the rest of my time living.” And if you feel you have no one else to live for, isn’t living for yourself enough? Isn’t keeping yourself healthy, happy, and active a particularly clever choice?
To top all of this off, and be brutally honest, an hour out of every day is NOT a huge burden. Simply walking for an hour each day dramatically influences a person’s frame of mind positively, as well as the body. If ANYONE chooses to use the excuse, “I can’t go for a walk, I have too much at home or work to do,” kick them in the shin immediately. At least then, those people will have a reason to sit their ass behind their desk or on that couch, watching television, feeling bad for themselves. Yes, there are circumstances that leave some of the population in a more difficult situation than others, for example single moms and dads. However, as an aunt, I have discovered simply playing with those little hairballs of crazy energy is a fantastic workout. Use your body and your mind to its full extent. They are both magnificent tools that will astound you every day, guaranteed, if you choose to challenge them.
Prima donna
Family, above all, is my standing foundation. Ultra-violet rays of warmth allude to a fresh, beautiful day, just like a faraway sensation of desperation alludes to chaos. There are cracks in my foundation, that are just beginning to rear their ugly heads, and one comes in the form of a prima donna. Her selfish grasp on hoarding adulation while reacting with petulance to any minor inconvenience astounds me. She was introduced to my family only 3 years ago, and since then has slowly chipped away at the stability and functionality of a once serene and happy home. Like any foundation, there are always flaws & imperfections…buried secrets left in a concrete setting. Time etched into a permeable surface.
But malicious intent derived out of pure spite is a completely different flaw. This is a flaw that is permanently carved into a person’s being. This is a flaw, that no matter what family, friends, love, and giving can provide, it will always flash through with its blood stained fangs ready for the kill. This is an untreatable flaw that even the strongest of men can not heal, not even my indestructible father. It strikes me as completely odd that man of his valor can not recognize manipulation as clearly defined as she makes it. Why does it seem like women are so much more in tune with deceit and manipulation? Why is it so easy for men to be oblivious to these traits? Is it because, men, above all, just want to be a woman’s white knight, and when they see a broken woman, there is an instant need to soothe her? Where does the dismissive behavior stem from, and how do I obtain it? How can I make myself not notice when there’s agony, and only care when I am confronted with the situation and told it is there. Oh wait…I know…because I am a woman. Enough said.
But malicious intent derived out of pure spite is a completely different flaw. This is a flaw that is permanently carved into a person’s being. This is a flaw, that no matter what family, friends, love, and giving can provide, it will always flash through with its blood stained fangs ready for the kill. This is an untreatable flaw that even the strongest of men can not heal, not even my indestructible father. It strikes me as completely odd that man of his valor can not recognize manipulation as clearly defined as she makes it. Why does it seem like women are so much more in tune with deceit and manipulation? Why is it so easy for men to be oblivious to these traits? Is it because, men, above all, just want to be a woman’s white knight, and when they see a broken woman, there is an instant need to soothe her? Where does the dismissive behavior stem from, and how do I obtain it? How can I make myself not notice when there’s agony, and only care when I am confronted with the situation and told it is there. Oh wait…I know…because I am a woman. Enough said.
Flawed Society...
Flaws are such an interesting topic. So many of us are unwilling to recognize they exist...in each of us...and I am not completely certain why? What is so wrong with physical or emotional flaws? It's obvious to everyone there is no such thing as perfection. Ok...Johnny Depp is about as close as you can get...joking, only joking. But so many people are out there striving for perfection regardless. I understand that we all need goals...and if you can dream it, you can achieve it. I completely believe in that. What I do not believe in is looking at these beautiful tools we were all graciously given, the body & the mind, and trying to mold them into something we are not. For instance, the physical flaws we replace by viciously ripping the body open and filling it with plastic & silicone, or sucking out the imperfections. There are certain circumstances that allude to the necessity of these procedures...but mostly, it just irritates me to see naturally beautiful people purposely invading their own bodies in such a demeanor. And for what, more glances, bigger tips, better paychecks, competition? To me the, the art of being confident, beautiful & graciously growing older involves growing in your own skin; growing to love yourself more each day, and holding yourself with that confidence. The first thing I notice about someone is the way they walk, the confidence they hold themselves with. So your nose is too big, hold your head high and say I don't care without stating it. So your lips are too small, grin even bigger and make it known you are loving life.
Then there are emotional flaws, which I struggle with on a daily basis...purely because of a focal woman in my life. Who do not get me wrong, I am not blaming. She's a woman who is not willing to see herself clearly at the almost peak age of 50. She's a woman who can tell you in loud octaves that she is a strong woman, but can not answer why? I do not, and will not understand why it is so hard for someone to admit what they are feeling...with gusto...with PASSION. Which is a strange circumstance being that she is the MOST emotional person I have ever met. But surrounding yourself in a haze of denial and overly abused phrases to make yourself feel in control is NO way to live. If someone feels angry, let it be known. If a person is having a jealous moment, admit it...come to grips...even if you have to choke on it...just admit it, at least to yourself. That way people can MOVE FORWARD. If a person needs to cry...let her rip. And yes, this is where I struggle...I honestly wait until I am in the privacy of my own home...(the Mutton is welcomed on many occasions as well)...and let loose. I do not see crying as a weakness...but because my father does...I have always held it in. And why? It's not a flaw...it's absolutely beautiful to me when I see someone letting their vulnerabilities shine through. Accepting these flaws, and moving forward with them, loving them, I BELIEVE, is one of the bravest acts a person can commit.
Then there are emotional flaws, which I struggle with on a daily basis...purely because of a focal woman in my life. Who do not get me wrong, I am not blaming. She's a woman who is not willing to see herself clearly at the almost peak age of 50. She's a woman who can tell you in loud octaves that she is a strong woman, but can not answer why? I do not, and will not understand why it is so hard for someone to admit what they are feeling...with gusto...with PASSION. Which is a strange circumstance being that she is the MOST emotional person I have ever met. But surrounding yourself in a haze of denial and overly abused phrases to make yourself feel in control is NO way to live. If someone feels angry, let it be known. If a person is having a jealous moment, admit it...come to grips...even if you have to choke on it...just admit it, at least to yourself. That way people can MOVE FORWARD. If a person needs to cry...let her rip. And yes, this is where I struggle...I honestly wait until I am in the privacy of my own home...(the Mutton is welcomed on many occasions as well)...and let loose. I do not see crying as a weakness...but because my father does...I have always held it in. And why? It's not a flaw...it's absolutely beautiful to me when I see someone letting their vulnerabilities shine through. Accepting these flaws, and moving forward with them, loving them, I BELIEVE, is one of the bravest acts a person can commit.
Twisted Honesty
I'm convinced stressful situations deliver the most honest, vulnerable traits in a person. These blips of humanity remain uncovered in dark man holes until the day the bubble bursts, presenting itself by slapping a person in the face screaming, "wake up...here I am...confront me." Some people have the ultimate pleasure of being blessed by these blips one at a time...I however, have been blessed with approximately six...yes...I repeat this...six mind altering stages of life for which I have no explanation, rhyme or reason. I am merely a contestant in the race trying to find the positive finish line...and the lesson hidden underneath all of this murk...I can only pray there is one.
Confrontation...which is a whole other realm of humanity...is something I have always leapt toward, never suspecting the victim I am confronting to be offended by my directness. Confrontation has started the healing path along this crazed amount of life being thrown my way. So many bodies do NOT handle it...sprinting like water droplets on a searing bunsen burner. Even when someone is emotionally melting, bearing every inch of their soul, down on their knees...admitting their adoration & love for all these years...all for a response of..."I have to leave now." Even when confrontation depicts what a friendship truly is, I have come to realize it is a huge part of who I am...and nothing to be ashamed of. I will always confront...no matter how afraid of the truth I really am.
A father once looked at his daughter and smiled saying, " I can't wait for the day I walk you down the aisle." Spending years telling myself I was not the marrying kind...to finally find the man who can put up with all of my egocentricities, a temper that can literally burn, and a tongue not afraid to lash...to realize my family is no longer whole. Now a daughter looks at her father and says, "You're walking away from me...with deliberate ease." Allowing mistakes is one of the toughest tasks I have ever been presented with...honestly I'm not sure any of us will recover from his mistake. But I will be the one left with the pieces...left to clean up his mess created out of complete, selfish satisfaction...something he calls love. All because I am the peacemaker...the rock of his oblivion.
Then of course there is the pride swallowing siege of entering a new domain in search of a career you're so convinced you deserve...while moving from complete security of a home, career, and comfort...to find what? I can not deny that excitement rules all of the logical reasons for not jumping into this new body of water. Spontaneity may be the death of me someday...and that's a solid fact. Failing has never been a fear for me. This is a representation of the wonderful Aries blood running through my veins. What the hell, right? I can always go back to bartending (and probably make better money).
And of course the wedding...planning an event...a party none the less to celebrate the coming of two lives...joined together by a pact more or less...to remain together until the end of their days. I had no idea what "scared" meant until I watched the days begin to fly by toward the countdown of this wedding...our wedding. Don't get me wrong...he is the one for me...I know this with every fiber that makes me whole, especially after confronting and letting go of ties to the past. Especially after talking with him about those ties and watching his emotions come into check, while looking at me and saying, "I knew you had to let go." His understanding of what I am is truly visionary...and I am able to see the woman I am through his eyes...and that is someone remarkable. Will I live up to that vision? I can't predict it...which is the "scary" part of this adventure. But I will take this leap of faith, with or without a father, with or without a best friend, with or without security...with strength and commanding presence.
Confrontation...which is a whole other realm of humanity...is something I have always leapt toward, never suspecting the victim I am confronting to be offended by my directness. Confrontation has started the healing path along this crazed amount of life being thrown my way. So many bodies do NOT handle it...sprinting like water droplets on a searing bunsen burner. Even when someone is emotionally melting, bearing every inch of their soul, down on their knees...admitting their adoration & love for all these years...all for a response of..."I have to leave now." Even when confrontation depicts what a friendship truly is, I have come to realize it is a huge part of who I am...and nothing to be ashamed of. I will always confront...no matter how afraid of the truth I really am.
A father once looked at his daughter and smiled saying, " I can't wait for the day I walk you down the aisle." Spending years telling myself I was not the marrying kind...to finally find the man who can put up with all of my egocentricities, a temper that can literally burn, and a tongue not afraid to lash...to realize my family is no longer whole. Now a daughter looks at her father and says, "You're walking away from me...with deliberate ease." Allowing mistakes is one of the toughest tasks I have ever been presented with...honestly I'm not sure any of us will recover from his mistake. But I will be the one left with the pieces...left to clean up his mess created out of complete, selfish satisfaction...something he calls love. All because I am the peacemaker...the rock of his oblivion.
Then of course there is the pride swallowing siege of entering a new domain in search of a career you're so convinced you deserve...while moving from complete security of a home, career, and comfort...to find what? I can not deny that excitement rules all of the logical reasons for not jumping into this new body of water. Spontaneity may be the death of me someday...and that's a solid fact. Failing has never been a fear for me. This is a representation of the wonderful Aries blood running through my veins. What the hell, right? I can always go back to bartending (and probably make better money).
And of course the wedding...planning an event...a party none the less to celebrate the coming of two lives...joined together by a pact more or less...to remain together until the end of their days. I had no idea what "scared" meant until I watched the days begin to fly by toward the countdown of this wedding...our wedding. Don't get me wrong...he is the one for me...I know this with every fiber that makes me whole, especially after confronting and letting go of ties to the past. Especially after talking with him about those ties and watching his emotions come into check, while looking at me and saying, "I knew you had to let go." His understanding of what I am is truly visionary...and I am able to see the woman I am through his eyes...and that is someone remarkable. Will I live up to that vision? I can't predict it...which is the "scary" part of this adventure. But I will take this leap of faith, with or without a father, with or without a best friend, with or without security...with strength and commanding presence.
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